Plano Gazette - 12/11

 

More than four years after launching the most successful basketball tournament the world has ever known, PCTI is on life support as its BORED of Directors has failed to finalize a date for spring competition. Routinely held in April, the tourney is beloved by its 16 members and generally called the best weekend of the year.

However, for reasons unknown to anyone, the exclusive league’s commissioner and assistants have deferred the task of setting dates to two players, one whose wife is pregnant and the other who is pursuing higher education. Meanwhile, the 14 other players in the club remain unsatisfied and confused as to the lingering malaise of what participant Petrick Higden calls "undecisions."

"Look, we’re all happy for Dumley. He is a good guy and is the best swordfighter in PCTI. But seriously, are you kidding me? You can’t tell your wife to bring a child into the world on any other month outside of April? That should’ve been the first thing that entered his mind when his woman started asking for his seed. We can all do math…9 months back from April is July. Just don’t get busy in July!", Higden stated.

Not to be outdone, other players expressed their disgust and outright disdain for the current leadership of the PCTI hierarchy. One such player is Brant Carnie, whose conflict of interest as both player and member of the BOD was evident as he ranted: "I’m so sick of PCTI not being set up. If it’s not set up, then I can’t get around not helping my fiancé with our wedding. Speaking of things I’m sick of, I’m so sick of people not thinking I’m a good basketball player even though I’ve been drafted in the first round of every tournament. I’m also sick of Michael Beasley because I’m much at better at basketball than him and he’s not that good-looking! I mean, dammit, when are people gonna see how great I am?"

Some analysts are beginning to whisper that V will actually never occur, sparking debate about whether PCTI’s glory days are already behind it. Tony Hopkens temporarily assuaged those fears by confidently proclaiming "Everybody just needs to turn down the volume a little bit. There’s a lot of noise right now in the lamestream media suggesting the tournament won’t happen this season. I’m here to tell you it will. I’ve just got to get this accounting class out of the way first. And I know most people think that accounting has never generated wealth for anybody, and they’re right, but it’s something that is important to me and therefore important to PCTI."

The utterance by Hopkens added fuel to an already combustible fire. As we caught up with PCTI’s most outrageous personality, Mike Smo, there was a palpable sensation that the raging inferno had reached critical mass. He voiced his displeasure by stating "Listen here playboy….no, not over there, over here playa. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to say ‘I told you so?’ Pretty damn long, son! Chatty was the clear choice and we woulda already been on lock down from jumpstreet if I was runnin thangs, ya dig? But nah maine, we had to pick the coldest part of North America and let everybody get a say. Well guess what? Democracy ain’t the best way to run the show sometimes. Sometimes what you need is a benevolent dictator, and PCTI don’t got one! Now go and let your dome contemplate on that."

Of course, the more insidious part of this Greek tragedy is that there are no answers forthcoming. Some insiders tried to stage a coup in order to save PCTI, but quit the same day once they realized there was actual work to be done. At one point, the tourney seemed to gain traction with a date in June being suggested accompanied by a fallback plan of July 4^th. But the date in June never got off the ground since the majority of PCTI players didn’t vote. And July 4^th didn’t work either since PCTI’s brain trust forgot that day is our country’s birthday in which Americans spend time drinking, eating, and celebrating with family and friends.

Sadly, this tale remains an unanswered riddle. Will the tourney affectionately known as iiiii ultimately happen? Will Ben Wilson break his famed losing streak? Will this recent draft be consummated in actual game performance? These are questions that perhaps we will never know the answer to as PCTI’s long winter continues its deep and relentless malaise.

The last word in the morose saga comes from Bryan McKinney, who confirmed his confusion with no calendared tournament by screaming "…………………………………………………………???????????………………………………………………………………………………………………………………!!!!!!!..............................................................????..........................................!!..................................................................!!!!.......!!!"