Breaking News: PCTI on brink of collapse, members in open revolt

Breaking News: PCTI on brink of collapse, members in open revolt

After having established the most beloved and revered basketball tournament of his generation, Commissioner Dan Fruit has been unable to finalize the 5^th installment of PCTI. Although the first four PCTI events had their own set of challenges and difficulties, they pale in comparison with the seemingly insurmountable task of selecting a weekend to hold the popular tournament this year. "This has been the most challenging PCTI offseason ever" affirmed the Godfather. "My BORED has abandoned me and every PCTI member is presenting me with problems, but none with solutions. I mean, what am I, a consultant? Fix your own damn problems, people."

Standing in the way of date completion are the following life events: pregnancy, weddings, higher education, career advancement, family obligations, prior commitments, and for some unknown reason, a fishing trip. Several weeks ago, the event seemed to gained steam as a date was set for late May. However, one of PCTI’s legacy members, BC, threw a wicked curve to the rest of the group by stating that was Ron Burgundy week and that he could not abandon his job during that weekend. He explained by saying "Do I feel bad? Yeah, kinda. Should I have read my email and checked my calendar a little closer? Probably. But am I too goddamned important to PCTI to allow it to go on without me? You bet your ass! Look, I’m the Brat and I’ve got Dan’s ear and I’m gonna be at that tournament even if it causes everybody else to rearrange their lives. And if you can’t get down with that, then don’t come to my wedding! No seriously, come to my wedding as long as you bring a gift. Except Skillz, I still hate that guy."

Some PCTI participants were financially damaged by the recent cancellation. Wes Butter, one of the tournament’s least active participants, stated "Once the announcement was made, I immediately booked my flight, hotel, and rental car which set me back a few coins. But after that, I turned off my email, text, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, blog, phone, and pager so I could focus on my job and the mountains. Next thing I know, the tournament is canceled and I’m out $750? Who’s gonna reimburse me for that? I mean, should I have followed any of the 200 emails that followed the initial announcement? Maybe. But that’s not the way I do things! I like to check in once a quarter for my information. Hang on… I’ll call you back, there’s an In-n-Out Burger coming up."

Not all PCTI participants have been adversely impacted by the cancellation though. Incomprehensibly, some members were unaware of the announcement and subsequent aborting of the event. When asked what he thought of the inability to confirm PCTI V, Bryan Skills said "Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I’m a part of that. Now when do we do that again? Sorry, I’ve just been really busy coaching real basketball players to have to worry about the quasi-pickup players in PCTI. In fact, I’ve got to go. There’s a 6’6" kid from Nashville I’m recruiting. He’s not very good at basketball because I haven’t coached him yet. He probably wouldn’t even get drafted into PCTI, but he can pass his A.C.T. and I like smart players."

Where does this leave the 16 players and one cameraman who love the event and look forward to it each season? In a word, nowhere. Most are hopeful that the event will still happen this summer, but some are losing confidence. Last word goes to PCTI’s most popular character Joseph Thomason who recently said "Did you guys know they just legalized pot in Colorado? Two words for you brah…..road trip!"

 

Sabin 

PCTI FASTBREAK!!!!

PCTIV Off-Season Rivalry Watch

Disorganization and dissension are two of the buzz words within the PCTI organization as year 5 gets closer and closer.  Between the power struggle of the Bored, the lack of leadership displayed from the "commish," and scheduling conflicts across the board, many have said this off season is proving to be PCTI's toughest since existence.

The one bright spot of this is that disorganization and dissension leads to angry members, and angry members leads to rivalries.  As such, allow me to call out a few of the top as we move closer to PCTIV, which still at this point has no legitimate tip off time.

1. Dani vs. PCTI: 

I'm not sure any one person has been targeted more in an off season than Danie has over his lack of leadership and vision laid out for PCTIV.  Outside of the usual shots from his bratty friend The Brat, Danie has taken hits from Beas, Bruise, Spot, Hops, McKinney, Sabin, Ben, and Donley the last few weeks, none of which has seemed to cut him deep enough to change his habits.  At some point, one has to wonder if the ongoing power struggle with the BORED is wearing on him, or if he secretly enjoys watching his once beloved PCTI fall apart due to his lack of availability, with the ultimate idea that he can come in and save the day.   

2. The Brat vs. Nature:

The Brat has showed over the years that no one is off limits if he feels someone receives credit they don't deserve.  Enter PCTI's golden boy (who's popularity alone had him upset) who received ATT votes in his first year for his performance in one game for a team that got swept, than followed it up with MVP votes after posting a 6 and 6 stat line.  As such, The Brat has waged war and has shown no signs of backing off anytime soon.  Something to watch: The Nature Boy is notorious for not responding to criticism, but secretly developing a distaste for a person that can't be reversed.  I expect the gloves to come off when the two square off if PCTI5 ever happens.

3. The Actor vs. Everyone but McKinney:

I'm not sure I've ever seen one person's reputation steadily decline in a more impressive fashion than The Actor's has.  Whether it's by choice of his own, or his peers growing tired of trying to figure out if he's in or out of character, everyone is over it.  He's doing a hell of a job at turning people against him.  After year 1, The Actor walked out with only Pitto against him.  As of last year, I can't confirm any fans of his acting outside of one Bryan McKinney, who should be crowned for not only his loyalty, but the fact that he consistently laughs at any of his jokes.  To top it off, he continued the ongoing calf joke as the reason he couldn't get together for a PCTI hoop session.  

4. Anthony Hopkins vs. Tri-Pod:

In what was one of the most shrewd front office moves I can remember, Abe Stephens snatched up his three members of the (formerly) Quad Pod in the draft, making it obvious he was ready to trim the fat of his group and turn the QP into what a group who claims to be known for quality partying and good looks should be... A group with only members that are good at partying and are good looking.  With no more A. Hops, they now have that.  The question will be if Hops will recognize that and leverage it into a dominant defensive PCTI5 performance, or he will play dumb and try to tag along with this group of pretty boys.

5. The Don vs. Jeff Sabin:

This one came out of nowhere and hit the PCTI email chain like a ton of bricks. No one is quite sure how this former bromance turned rivalry will shake out, but I imagine it will intensify after Sabin delivering a crushing burn to Donley, one that left him speechless for the first time I can remember.  

PCTIV Dates Announced, Wall Street Reacts

In what has been one of the most tumultuous quarters in company history, the PCTI Bored of Directors have finally announced May 22-25 as the official time for PCTIV, in Denver, CO.

The late announcement and overly volatile off season can be attributed to a few things.. PCTI CEO Fruit Man Dan has been in an ongoing proxy battle with activist hedge fund manager Anthony Hopkins and his company, Quad Pod Investments.  Hopkins, like his mentor Carl Icahn, is known for his behind the scenes efforts in rallying high profile employees in an effort to overthrow the leadership group to be able to extract value that his company believes is not being tapped.

Additionally, the PCTI Bored has been in an ongoing fight to avoid a Union from forming.  Joe Thompson's efforts to convince fellow employees they aren't being treated properly and don't have the voice he believes they deserve is starting to gain steam.

PCTI Holdings (symbol: PCTI) is up 10% in pre-market trading with the news an agreement has been made. Goldman Sach's has upgraded the company to "Buy" status, citing PCTI's market share and lack of competition as reasons the company is a good play long term.  

Found Some!

Plano Gazette - 12/11

 

More than four years after launching the most successful basketball tournament the world has ever known, PCTI is on life support as its BORED of Directors has failed to finalize a date for spring competition. Routinely held in April, the tourney is beloved by its 16 members and generally called the best weekend of the year.

However, for reasons unknown to anyone, the exclusive league’s commissioner and assistants have deferred the task of setting dates to two players, one whose wife is pregnant and the other who is pursuing higher education. Meanwhile, the 14 other players in the club remain unsatisfied and confused as to the lingering malaise of what participant Petrick Higden calls "undecisions."

"Look, we’re all happy for Dumley. He is a good guy and is the best swordfighter in PCTI. But seriously, are you kidding me? You can’t tell your wife to bring a child into the world on any other month outside of April? That should’ve been the first thing that entered his mind when his woman started asking for his seed. We can all do math…9 months back from April is July. Just don’t get busy in July!", Higden stated.

Not to be outdone, other players expressed their disgust and outright disdain for the current leadership of the PCTI hierarchy. One such player is Brant Carnie, whose conflict of interest as both player and member of the BOD was evident as he ranted: "I’m so sick of PCTI not being set up. If it’s not set up, then I can’t get around not helping my fiancé with our wedding. Speaking of things I’m sick of, I’m so sick of people not thinking I’m a good basketball player even though I’ve been drafted in the first round of every tournament. I’m also sick of Michael Beasley because I’m much at better at basketball than him and he’s not that good-looking! I mean, dammit, when are people gonna see how great I am?"

Some analysts are beginning to whisper that V will actually never occur, sparking debate about whether PCTI’s glory days are already behind it. Tony Hopkens temporarily assuaged those fears by confidently proclaiming "Everybody just needs to turn down the volume a little bit. There’s a lot of noise right now in the lamestream media suggesting the tournament won’t happen this season. I’m here to tell you it will. I’ve just got to get this accounting class out of the way first. And I know most people think that accounting has never generated wealth for anybody, and they’re right, but it’s something that is important to me and therefore important to PCTI."

The utterance by Hopkens added fuel to an already combustible fire. As we caught up with PCTI’s most outrageous personality, Mike Smo, there was a palpable sensation that the raging inferno had reached critical mass. He voiced his displeasure by stating "Listen here playboy….no, not over there, over here playa. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to say ‘I told you so?’ Pretty damn long, son! Chatty was the clear choice and we woulda already been on lock down from jumpstreet if I was runnin thangs, ya dig? But nah maine, we had to pick the coldest part of North America and let everybody get a say. Well guess what? Democracy ain’t the best way to run the show sometimes. Sometimes what you need is a benevolent dictator, and PCTI don’t got one! Now go and let your dome contemplate on that."

Of course, the more insidious part of this Greek tragedy is that there are no answers forthcoming. Some insiders tried to stage a coup in order to save PCTI, but quit the same day once they realized there was actual work to be done. At one point, the tourney seemed to gain traction with a date in June being suggested accompanied by a fallback plan of July 4^th. But the date in June never got off the ground since the majority of PCTI players didn’t vote. And July 4^th didn’t work either since PCTI’s brain trust forgot that day is our country’s birthday in which Americans spend time drinking, eating, and celebrating with family and friends.

Sadly, this tale remains an unanswered riddle. Will the tourney affectionately known as iiiii ultimately happen? Will Ben Wilson break his famed losing streak? Will this recent draft be consummated in actual game performance? These are questions that perhaps we will never know the answer to as PCTI’s long winter continues its deep and relentless malaise.

The last word in the morose saga comes from Bryan McKinney, who confirmed his confusion with no calendared tournament by screaming "…………………………………………………………???????????………………………………………………………………………………………………………………!!!!!!!..............................................................????..........................................!!..................................................................!!!!.......!!!"

This guy is Josh Pitto's dad.