Attempted PCTI Mutiny has been put down

January 12 – Dallas Morning News

In the last 48 hours, an attempted mutiny against LFTW Captain and reigning PCTI DPOY Jeff Sabin has been initiated by his best friend and PCTI Godfather, Danny Krow. The uprising began late Monday evening when Krow lobbed a grenade into the chemistry of his team by announcing on Brent Carney’s podcast “I am officially taking command of Team Legs Feed the Wolf, and my first order of business is to re-name our ballclub Team Legs Feed the Kitten”. When asked for more information regarding the purpose of the conspiracy, Krow replied with “Sabin has become too much for our team. He demands that we workout in the offseason, that we come into PCTI 3 in great physical condition, play hard, compete, share the ball, and help each other. At the end of the day, he put himself out there as one of the great sports leaders of our time, and he was outshining me. So this rebellion is in response to his top leadership skills.”

Krow initially learned the concept of mutiny from the French word “mutiner”, meaning to revolt, and it has been applied to military conspiracies through the course of time. One key element of a mutiny is that it must have followers, an important piece that the Founder seems to have forgotten. In fact, the only PCTI members who seem to have embraced the insubordination are Joe Thompson and Brent Carney. But since Thompson has no credibility at PCTI and Carney simply roots for chaos in any form, it is not anticipated that their support will carry any weight with fellow PCTI participants.

Members of Team Legs Feed the Wolf are shocked at the recent development. Sabin and Krow’s favorite PCTI teammate Bruiser Van Horne was quoted as saying “Look, I like both of these guys. I don’t want to get in the middle of their power struggle. I mean, Sabin is like my big brother, but me and DK have been tight for years. So how do you choose between that?” When a reporter reminded him that Sabin had promised Bruiser that he would purchase him lunch at a Japanese steakhouse on Thursday, Bruiser quickly responded with “Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. I guess I’m following Sabin then.” Some analysts believe that the key to Bruiser’s loyalty goes through his stomach. Gaining Bruiser’s support is the key the entire rebellion, insiders say, since going against the Bruise in a physical confrontation is tantamount to getting destroyed.

Likewise, other members of Team Legs Feed the Wolf seem to be leaning towards Sabin’s leadership style over Krow’s. Longtime Krow friend and teammate Smo Orr weighed in on the issue: “Look, I love Danny. He and I go way back. But if I’m thinking about this correctly, and I like to think that I am, what our team needs is leadership, not likeability. And if we are serious about winning in PCTI 3, then Sabin is hands down the best leader for our group. Danny is good too, but I’m afraid that he won’t be able to bring the same kind of intensity and fire that Sabin will. I mean, Sabin wants to go Sandusky on Breaking Bad, and I’m not sure that Krow shares that level of hostility for the other team.”

By Tuesday morning, reporters were questioning Krow’s loyalty to his team as evidenced by the fact that he has become a regular on the mediocre BestCoast podcast, founded by mediocre Joe Thompson. Many of Team Legs Feed the Wolf teammates have seen through Krow’s tired act of being friendly to members of Breaking Bad while professing to be 100% committed to his own team. The show’s guest of the night, Big Ben Wilson, was appalled by Krow’s announcement, stating that “I came on this show looking to be the Main Event. Then Danny leads off the podcast with that bomb. I wish he had a better sense of timing and a better feel for the moment.” The Scott Donley voice-impersonator continued with “I don’t know where my loyalty lies. Danny will let me keep eating Chik-Fil-A and probably let me come into the weekend rolling large at 250. But Sabin wants me to be trim and svelte so I can lead our team to victory. I guess I have to choose between having a good time with Krow and losing, or hating Sabin’s in-my-face leadership and winning. Tough call, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” Reports from Dallas are that Sabin is fuming at Wilson’s lack of dietary control. Since Sabin expects Wilson to be the offensive leader of the group, the podcast was at once hilarious and disheartening. Carney and Thompson were happy to hear of the current physical status of Wilson, believing their chances to win at PCTI 3 improved, albeit marginally. Carney concluded “Wilson is the key to their team. If he shows up to camp at 250, their team might not score 30 points in any single game. I really like our chances now.” This statement seemed out of character for the rangy lefty. Most insiders think that Carney prefers going for 20-10 and losing instead of going for 6-4 and winning.

Still, other members of the team were completely oblivious to the situation. Wes Murray was asked what he thought of the recent developments with his team and responded with “Wait, we’re still going to In-n-Out Burger right? That was really the only thing I wanted to do in Dallas anyway. A pre-game meal of heavy burgers and greasy french fries is exactly what I need to drop trays waiter on Pitto and his gang. I’ll give some more thought to the mutiny, but right now, I need to get to Chik-Fil-A for brunch. I just love their nuggets.” Most insiders don’t believe that the uprising has any traction as the prevalent thought is that DK is a great teammate, but not what LFTW needs at the helm to bring home the hardware. Long-time friend and ardent DK supporter Dawson Huff weighed in the prospects of Krow taking over the championship mantle: “Look, we all love Danny. He organizes this thing, connects us all together, and always gets you 3 points per game, as well as leads the tournament in A/T ratio. But just because a rebellion worked for Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean doesn’t mean that it will work for DK. I mean, we all know that Captain Barbosa was the best captain of the Black Pearl, right? To me, it was no contest. So Sabin is the guy, and we all know it.” When asked a follow-up question if Dawson was able to answer any question without a movie quote, Huff channeled his inner Dumb and Dumber, enthusiastically responding with “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”. On a related note, the sexy female reporter who asked the question simply walked away in disgust.

Dallas Morning News saved the big gun for last, cold calling Sabin at his new home in Plano that was purchased for the sole reason of hosting 16 guys at PCTI. Well, 15 since Joe Thompson wants to hang with John O’Rourke that weekend. Sabin was asked about the budding uprising and responded with righteous anger, “Look, Danny is my best friend. So clearly it comes as a shock to me that he would try and sink our team’s chemistry level to that of Breaking Bad’s by making this announcement via the enemy’s podcast. But I remain the leader of this team. There’s a difference between wanting to be the leader of the team, and being the God-given, rightfully assigned leader of the team. After all, these are my guys that I hand-selected to destroy Breaking Bad in 84 days. And since my guys are sticking with me, I’m happy to announce that the attempted mutiny has been put down. My team is gonna use this as motivation to kick Breaking Bad’s ass. We’re not totally happy with Krow right now, but we will welcome him back to the group when he comes to his senses. But as of right now, he has lost his starting PG spot to Ben Wilson, and will be coming off the bench. He can earn his way back to starter after making amends with the group though.” When asked why Sabin felt like he was the right leader for the job, Sabin simply replied with “Listen man, you gotta earn that shit. You can’t just say you’re this thing or that thing. There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Danny is on his way, but still has some work to do. I’ll consider giving him another shot at the best friend title, but as of right now, I’m putting the smack down on this mutiny, and as far as I’m concerned, it was over before it got started.” It is anticipated that Team Legs Feed the Wolf will still sweep Team Breaking Bad even with this slight disruption in team chemistry.