Movie Twins, Part II

7) Hops – Jackie Moon, Semi-Pro

 

Beloved, relentless promoter of a fledgling organization whose only real motivation in life comes from making his hoops group relevant and popular. Jackie used the profits of his one-hit single “Love me Sexy” to purchase the Flint Tropics and promptly named himself Head Coach and starting power forward. Likewise, Hops used the profits from his corporate accounting division to buy a piece of PCTI ownership and is typically the top player-coach on his team. Hops also stirred his team’s soul in PCTI II with a riveting halftime speech, spurring his team to victory. Similarly, Jackie Moon stirred the souls of his team with this nugget: “In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint-Michigan Mega Bowl (read PCTI).” Jackie also received inspiration to develop a new move which had not been seen before (alley-oop) just like Hops has developed a move that nobody else can duplicate (dagger 3).  Both moves helped their respective teams to win championships. Let’s get Tropical!

8) Donley – Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark

 

Cockstrong? You bet. Swashbuckling? Of course. Good-looking adventurer who gets the girl in the end? Undoubtedly. Jones is a treasure-hunter seeking riches and glory just like Donley is a trophy-seeker hunting PCTI glory and championship immortality. Both have a signature move that is immediate distinguishable: Indy’s the noticeable whip and hat technique and Donley’s the Zorro 3 ball and Discount Double Check. Both also have a penchant for escaping close calls. Indy has evaded numerous near-death experiences, while Donley avoided a PCTI championship game in favor of a 10 hour drive to Wisconsin. Do both of these swashbucklers get the lady? Goes without saying. One of Indy’s partners asked him one time what his next plan was, to which he replied, “Dunno. I’m making this up as I go.” I anticipate seeing a new celebratory move from Donley in IV in which he makes it up as goes.

9) Eskildsen – Norman Dale, Hoosiers

 

Controversial coach with a spotty past lost a previous coaching job by striking a player, but looks to make good with a new team in rural Indiana (Phoenix). Coach Dale makes his players pass 4 times before shooting, just like Coach Esk makes his players do. Coach Dale tries to unsuccessfully recruit Jimmy Chitwood (BC), Hickory’s best player, to his team. Norman also has an alcohol-loving assistant coach (Hops) at his side. Coach almost gets kicked out of town for controversial coaching techniques before ultimately realizing his potential and leading his team to a championship. Will a similar path await the controversial captain of Team That in IV? I love these quotes from Coach Eskildsen Coach Dale:

a)      “My practices aren't designed for your enjoyment.”

b)      “I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting. There's fundamentals and defense.”

c)      To BC Jimmy Chitwood: “You know, in the ten years that I coached, I never met anybody who wanted to win as badly as I did. I'd do anything I had to do to increase my advantage. Anybody who tried to block the pursuit of that advantage, I'd just push 'em out of the way. Didn't matter who they were, or what they were doing. But that was then. You have special talent, a gift. Not the school's, not the townspeople, not the team's, not Myra Fleener's, not mine. It's yours…to do with what you choose. Because that's what I believe, I can tell you this: I don't care if you play on the team or not.”

10) Smo – Jeremy Grey, Wedding Crashers

 

Crasher of wedding parties trying to meet women and lure them into one-night stands. Also packs a cover story that impresses guests and inevitably becomes the hit of every reception. Hilarity ensues. Smo is likewise a crasher of the boards and the bars, continuously seeking to pick the weak one off from the herd in pursuit of guilt-free, responsibility-shucking physical pleasure with a beer-goggled 7. Smo also vociferously protects his rim and provides help-side D just like Jeremy provides wing-man protection and well-crafted lies in support of his teammate’s success. Jeremy is also famous for his one-liners including “Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.” And who can forget Smo’s comedic one-liner timing in just about any conversation? Anybody remember “Let’s get to the Chatty” last year? One day I pray I get to hear Orr utter these profound, any-moment-will-do words: “John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.” BC probably summed it up best with this all-encompassing description: “Smo is the funniest motherf*cker alive.”

11) McKinney – Keyser Soze, The Usual Suspects

 

Keyser Soze is a silent but ruthless crime lord whose influence and tactics reach legendary and mythical status among his cult following. Likewise, McKinney is a silent assassin whose previous basketball exploits have reached legendary and mythical proportions among his 4 horsemen teammates. After a traumatic experience, Soze went underground, never again doing business in person and remaining invisible even to his henchmen. Similarly, B-Mac has not been seen in some time and remains invisible and inaudible throughout much of the PCTI offseason. Soze is a master planner and organizer of resources, often seeing 7 steps ahead of his enemies. McKinney, it is rumored, is planning a spectacle in IV the likes of which we have never seen. In the end, it was believed that Keyser was simply a myth, a fabricated concoction of loosely-remembered details and half-invented postulations. Will McKinney step out from the shadows in IV and reveal his true nature? "You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting caught and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything, it will be to get rid of me. After that... my guess is you'll never hear from him again."

 

Sabin