Counterfeit beast power rankings plus The Beast's origin story

In early 2017 The Beast was born. To clarify, I had nothing to do with it. I was away from the rest of PCTI, minding my own business in sleepy Lexington, KY. A few months prior I had switched employers and taken on a more normal work schedule that also involved more hours spent sitting at a desk, staring at a computer. So, for the first time in my life, I was actually somewhat excited to go to the gym at the end of the day, because most of those YMCA session came on the heals of nine hours of pent up work rage and inactivity. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't find a pickup basketball game in the post-work time frame and since I hate running (no offense, Spot the 10k Man) I wound up lifting more consistently than any point in my life.

Eventually the core group from our squad last year began a group text and I started to send them many Jocko Willink inspired texts. We had invented the storyline that the other squad thought of us as the uncool guys who obsess over PCTI and turned it in to our own self fulfilling prophecy. If that's what they thought of us (even though we didn't know that to actually be true) then we would really show them what caring looked like. Not only were we going to hit the gym, we were going to make a point of working out the uncool muscles. One day after a particularly fulfilling trip to the Eastern Bloc (Romanian deadlifts, Bulgarian split squats, etc.) the Actor via the group text said, “Brent Carney? More like Beast Carney.” Thusly, the alter-ego was born.

There's no need to recount how the rest of 2017 worked out for The Beast. Obviously, it was a success. However, 2018 has brought with it a new set of challenges and rivals for the The Beast. A few weeks after PCTI VIII we welcomed Baby Beast in to the world. If PCTI is the Beatles babies are Yoko. The Beast has still been getting after it but like everyone tells you, your life changes. Certainly, your free time gets squeezed. And if for nothing else, the crystal blue persuasion purity of the sickness he brings home from daycare, where disease is passed from child to child without encountering nary a single developed and white blood cell rich immune system is enough to knock any man on his ass for at least a few weeks.

Then most recently The Beast got caught up in a performance enhancing drug controversy of his own doing. With the Baby Beast's well-being in mind, I took out a life insurance policy...except I didn't actually take out the policy because although The Beast is now and always has been in perfect health (isolated daycare-related bugs not withstanding) I was downgraded significantly and basically placed in the same group as your typical 65 year old smoking cross country truck driver. Turns out the blood work showed that The Beast had such high levels of workout supplements in my stream that I posed a risk. Lesson learned, The Beast may have placed too much faith in the community college dropout behind the counter at the GNC. The result is six weeks of cold turkey, au naturale training until I can retest.

With all that said, there's been a bigger challenge this off-season than The Baby Beast's emergence and the drug scandal. A challenge that has tested my patience and resolve. It is the emergence within PCTI of a wave of counterfeit beasts (small b). These guys think they can not only come at The Beast, they hope to expose the The Beast as a fraud and in some cases, take the Beast monicker for themselves.

To make sure everyone knows where they stand, here are my counterfeit beast power rankings, divided in to two groups. Foe of The Beast and Friend of The Beast.

Foes of the Beast

1. Wannabe(ast) – Beas: Fate smiled on Beas that his name is so close to The Beast's. But that's the closest he'll ever be, no matter how much power lifting he does. Credit to the wannabeast, he's done the best job of anyone of imitating The Beast but that's all it is, an imitation.

2. Paul Heyman – Dan-O! Krow: Dan The Boy has pulled the strings on most of this nonsense, by both attacking The Beast's good name through a character assassination smear campaign and by filling the rest of his puppet counterfeit beasts with false senses of hope 

3. Forrest Gump beast – Juice Godon: Somehow believes because he's good at jogging and does bicepts curls that he's a beast. Two things the beast does not waste his time on: jogging and curls.

4. Puppet beast - Kyle Huckins: This isn't Kyle's fault at all, he's a good dude and without question a worthy competitor. But let's call a spade a spade. The Beast comes out and sweeps his third PCTI and the first move the league makes is to go get a bigger, stronger, more skilled version of The Beast. If you can't beat em, join em and if you can't join em because The Beast doesn't let anyone join him, go find someone better suited for the job. Weak move by the foes of The Beast. 

5. Silent beast - Deuce Hite: Stop showing up every year with 15 more pounds of muscle, you're swagger jacking The Beast. 

6. Funny boy beast - Smo Orr: Has in the past referred to me as The Least instead of The Beast

7. Sticky beast: Bruiser VH – Unwilling to take the bate last year when in the off-season The Beast was beginning to come of age and needed a feud to stay motivated. As the original tough guy who has known The Beast since he was a little snot nosed non-beast, seems to be hesitant to add The Beast to the PCTI tough guys/linebacker club.

Friends of The Beast

8. Frienemy of the Beast: Ben Wilson – PCTI has plotted to put The Beast up against Ben Wilson for years (even going so far as trying to divide us when we were teammates. Remember trashcangate?) but the truth is there's a mutual respect, no matter how those at the top of this list want to make it seem otherwise.

9. Mature beast boy: Hops – Hops has quietly gone about getting in good shape and plays with an understated strength on the court, qualities that The Beast admires. Hops has the sort of humility that those of the top of the list could never possess.

T10. Oblivous to the beast: Abe, Smooth, Donley – Good dudes, no chance they have any idea of The Beast's existence. Donley because he's been MIA and Abe and Smooth because Abe and Smooth. 

13. Bash Bro Beast: TP – Been The Beast's running mate for two years. Results speak for themselves. Nothing like a post PCTI series win cigarette between the beast bash bros.

14. Real Recognize Real Beast: Spotlight – The first and only person to show love to The Beast at PCTI VIII. Father Ryan loyalty is still alive and well, as this list shows.

15. The Beast Whisperer: Sabin – Like Russian monkeys shot in to space, Sabin paved the way for The Beast. If The Beast is Neil Armstrong (friend of The Beast's family, in fact) then Sabin is poor Albert, the primate sent in to orbit on the back of a V2 rocket in 1948 (he didn't survive.) Sabin showed up for II after a an offseason of murdering himself in the gym...only to tragically attempt a reinvention as a short-fused low block presence. Nowadays, nobody is a bigger Beast Descipal, going so far as to make a trade to get The Beast back on his side for IX.

16. The Be(a)st Man: Actor – Act bestowed The Beast with The Beast name and sources have confirmed he has privately chastised his counterfeit beast teammates for goading The Beast.