PCTI VII Draft Concludes, Participants Confused

PCTI VII Draft Concludes, Participants Confused

The Onion, Plano TX

In what many PCTI observers are calling a new low in drafting judgment, captain Ben Wilson decided to pass on the consensus best player in the league, Josh Stephen. Instead, he opted for the snake 2-3 position and took a couple of PCTI board members and founders, Dan Krow and Brent Carney. Many were confused by this decision, including Abe himself. 

“I thought Ben and I would form a pretty lethal offensive combination, so I was as surprised as anybody that he passed on me”, Stephen said. “In my mind, when you have the chance to take a scoring champ and MVP, you gotta take him. Have you seen my bag of Cheetos?” 

Some insiders believe the move had less to do with actual playing ability and more to do with a long-term political power play. Anthony Hopkins, one of PCTI’s more influential and outspoken members, concluded that this move is something that you see on House of Cards, not the hardwood. “Look, Ben has been angling to get on the Board of Directors with PCTI for some time now. He knows that BC and Danny can butter his bread when it comes to that. Quite frankly, I’m disgusted…but I guess everybody has his own agenda when he comes into the tournament.” 

This turn of events had a cascade of effects, including allowing captain Jeff Sabin to pick up a player with his next pick that many believe is the consensus second-best player in the league, Joe Thompson. Both Sabin and Thompson were thrilled with this move, with the captain raising his arms triumphantly in the draft room and The Show erupting as if he had just won the California state lottery. Now that the once-heated rivals are joining forces, Wilson took a pause to reflect. “I didn’t know Sabin was actually drafting to win the tournament. I thought he would put together another Kittens disaster and that Joe would be there for me in round 3. Damn, lesson learned.”, lamented Big Ben. 

Although Wilson received mixed reviews to begin his draft, he recovered in round 3. Most insiders agree that Ben took the best 5^th pick in the history of the draft with Nature Boy Mike Beasley. Sabin let out an audible groan when Nature slipped through his fingertips. “That hurt. I was hoping he would be there for me in round 3. Dude is, well, a fuckin’ ballplayer. Well played, Wilson.”, Sabin regretted. 

Both captains finished their drafts by taking players that they love and are comfortable with. Sabin got big tough dudes in Cockstrong and Bruiser to own the paint, and his man Spotlight to be a mad bomber. Wilson completed his draft with close playing partners Hops and Tyler Powell, with newcomer Jeff Godon moving instantly into the coveted McFish role of “Most underrated player due to breakout this season.” In a quiet moment, both captains secretly love their teams and feel very confident moving forward. “I love my team, period. End of story”, Sabin said. Ben replied with “I got every player that I wanted. I like how this went for me.” 

Wily veteran Wes Murray summarized his thoughts on the draft by saying “Am I still in this thing? Somebody send me the date of the draft.”