Lost Scouting Report

So over the course of the last several months, I have sought the basketball opinions of many whom I trust in the hopes of drafting the right personnel to win a PCTI championship. This list of opinions included fellow players, coaches, past teammates, and insiders. But I also felt like I needed an objective opinion from someone who was not partial to one side or the other. So I thought for a while about who had been present at our games enough to be familiar with PCTI personnel, but wasn’t necessarily rooting for one team over another. And who was this objective judge? That’s right, Deuce Hite. So I asked Deuce to provide me with his scouting report of certain personnel and this is what he sent to me:

1) Brent Carney: I have a lot of respect for Big Brent Carney. The guy gave me some good material in PCTI 1 when he interviewed a despondent Joe Thompson, and added more to the archives in PCTI 2 with his rant about his individual performance being more important than his team’s loss in Game 5. But in terms of basketball, I mean, does this guy ever go right? You might as well tie his right arm behind his back when he penetrates because he won’t be using it anyway. Never has the phrase “This guy wants to go left” been more appropriate for a player. On the perimeter, he has become less adept at chasing around the stretch 4s that have become vogue of late in PCTI. Additionally, he was marginalized on the boards last season because of what some are calling a “total lack of leaping ability.” At 192 pounds, the only players he can post up are Pitto and Thompson, but they are his teammates this year. I know he thinks he is PCTI’s version of Lamar Odom, but some analysts think his ceiling may be closer to Cherokee Parks and Christian Laettner. Even so, watch out for the inevitable 24-13 he will slap up at some point in the tournament, and also watch for his inner happiness at doing so while his team suffers a loss.

2) Josh Stephens: Do I respect the fact that he can convince a 44 year old barfly to hook up with him 3 hours before tip-off? Not really. Is it impressive that he can function at a high level on the court after being stoned and wasted on Sunday morning? Probably. Will he and Joe Thompson finally learn to embrace their hatred for each other in PCTI 3? No question. Volume shooter and scorer in the mold of Antoine Walker. Motto is “Never up, never in”. Sacrifices winning plays for FGAs. Degree of difficulty of shots is misguided attempt at challenging self. Racks up turnovers in bunches. Utterly confused by double-teams. Uninterested defender. Routinely beaten down floor on defense, only to routinely beat his man down the floor on offense. Some analysts have questioned leadership skills and ability to share the ball with inferior teammates. Has shown no desire to get in anything resembling basketball shape the past two years, but physical freak somehow makes a mockery of conditioning. The league’s most talented and frustrating player. Make him work for what he gets. Needs to email and blog more.

3) Josh Pitto: Do I like it when Pitto tries to make basketball talking points into my camera? No. Am I uninterested in what he is saying? Yeah. Do I have to pretend like I’m interested because the Godfather is paying me mad cash? Unfortunately. So, Pitto had a career year last year in PCTI 2. He averaged 13PPG and shot 48% for the field. Led the league in 3 balls with 17. How can this be explained from the least athletic guard in PCTI history? Well, Joe Thompson was guarding him. JT is much more bark than bite, and Pitto took advantage of an overmatched Doctor. Problem is, they are teammates this year, so how can Pitto make a contribution? Scouting report is not sure either. Shot happy, shot first PG. Would probably be a shooting guard if he weren’t 5’6” and 120 pounds. Has never set a screen in his life, so don’t worry about having to fight through his picks. Won’t help on defense, so make sure you are prepared to guard your man and his at the same time. Pet peeve is poor shot selection from others, mostly Sabin, but that blame will be redistributed to Stephens, Thompson, and Hops this year. Worst shoes in PCTI 2. Typically plays 3 point line to 3 point line, so doesn’t break a sweat. Will probably have a hate-hate relationship with Carney for much of the weekend. Ceiling for PCTI 3: Bobby Hurley.

4) Brian Eskildsen: Huge, lumbering point forward with good instincts and some passing skill. Lack of speed worsened by poor conditioning. Needs to lay off the bacon and cinnamon rolls. Some PCTI players can’t have their value explained by stats alone, but one look at the statsheet and you see where his value is. Contributor to every category, perhaps master of none. Reluctant shooter. Old school game includes crossovers, handles, shooting passing lanes, and lack of trash talking. Guy just gets it done, but shows uncontrolled anger when team loses including kicking chairs at unwitting statkeepers. Some insiders wonder whether this guy can stay healthy for a full PCTI, and other analysts worry that being so close to DK will only make him eat more bread and get further out of condition. Basketball thinker who bumps up against analysis paralysis from time to time. PCTI’s only 50% career FG shooter takes sound shots, never gets in a hurry, and makes winning basketball plays. Paradoxically, PCTI’s best 3 point shooter and worst foul shooter. PCTI 1 crossover of Sabin and resulting layup remains the best individual move in the history of PCTI. Attention to Stanford basketball team may leave him in terrible conditioning in April. Imagine Kurt Rambis and Brian Cardinal had a basketball love child. B-EZ is the result.

5) Hops: League’s only player whose nickname is the exact opposite of his leaping ability. Alleged shooter who doesn’t make shots, Hopkins mixes up his game with a variety of airballs from the 3 point line and blocked layup attempts in the paint. In particular, he seems to be fond of a step-back jumper that he can’t make, but virtually any shot inside the arc gives him trouble. Uses a diverse skill set of pump fakes, awkward drives, and a unique lack of athleticism to get himself involved in a game. Warning to whomever guards him in PCTI 3: this guy will get loose for 1 game in PCTI 3 where he burns you for 25 points and 10 boards. He may not get 25 points total in the other 6 games, but just know that a game like that is coming. Inspiration behind the phrase “Wear an A-Hop”, suggesting his ability to blanket the opposing team’s best perimeter players. Some analysts argue the phrase is unjustified since he checked his man into an MVP performance in PCTI 2. Mentor to Stephens who often leads him into temptation. Best hair in PCTI history. Comfortable playing sober or with .17 BAL. Imagine Jon Barry and Fred Hoiberg had a basketball affair. Hops is the offspring.

6) Scott Donley: Do I respect the fact that he cares about physical conditioning? Sure. Can this guy guard 2-5 on the hoops floor? No question. Should he overtake Wes Murray for best-looking PCTI player this season? Probably. Newcomer to PCTI 2 entered the game and announced his presence with authority by taking unwarranted shots and missing them. Message to team must have been “I’m here to lead you”. Showed some rebounding skill, ability to move his feet on defense, and the propensity to unnecessarily foul Ben Wilson on every possession. Showed amazing consistency in PCTI by shooting 39% from 2s, 3s, and the foul line. That kind of consistency should help him to get more playing time in PCTI 3. Earned respect from Sabin with his cockstrongedness in PCTI 2, but recent tweaking of Legs Feed the Wolf team could prove to be his downfall. Guy wants to post some, shoot the 3 ball, and foul on most possessions. Never seen a foul he didn’t appreciate or couldn’t duplicate. Will be his team’s most athletic big, which could signal a big problem for his team. Earned so much respect in PCTI 2 that he has nowhere to go but down from here. Both Sabin and Wilson hate when this guy guards them, so maybe we will stick McKinney on him to give him a dose of his own medicine. Dude is like Bob Sura with his physical tools, and Luke Walton with his offensive ability.

7) Dawson Huff: Underrated comedian who is not appreciated by some of his oldest friends. Ability to memorize movie lines and seamlessly work them into unrelated conversation is unparalleled. Last year’s hotel roommates Huff, Sabin, and McKinney was the least exciting room in PCTI history. Huff is appreciated for bringing out his 2 gallon jug of water to fellow crampers in PCTI 1 Game 4. Although his intent was to help, he only further diluted the cramper’s ability to replenish his body’s electrolytes, and therefore added to the cramping cycle. So this player needs to learn more about the human body. Best shooter in PCTI history, and simultaneously the worst rebounder. Shot 56% in PCTI 1 with a mix of midrange, 3 balls, and crafty postup fadeaway jumpers. Amazingly low fouler, in some respects the anti-Donley, suggests the crafty veteran can defend without resorting to unseemly illegal Donley tactics. If you give him an open shot, just go to the underside of the net, because that is where you will retrieve the ball. Incessant phone calls to spouse annoy the commissioner. Since athleticism was never this man’s calling card, injury concerns are moot. Cannot leave this player open, and must run him until exhaustion. Combines the shooting prowess of Jason Kapono with the inability to rebound of Adam Morrison to make a fantastic skillset. Comeback player of the year in PCTI 3.

8) Joe Thompson: Has no shooting range or ball skills. Would prefer to bully his way past guys like Pitto instead of taking on someone of similar size and strength. Crafty at stealing the ball, but in typical Joe style, does it behind your back, and not while you are looking. PCTI’s best actor, and not just on the big screen. This guy looks for any opportunity to let the camera know he just did something good, but at 27% from 3s, those moments come few and far between. Earned an all-tourney appearance in PCTI 2, but let’s withhold judgment until he can do it against real defenders like the ones Legs Feed the Wolf throws at him. Uses a mixture of 3 balls well past his shooting range, along with offbalance leaners in the lane, to generate his scoring chances. One of PCTI’s better athletes that makes sparse athletic plays during the course of 7 games. Notorious hothead who leads the league in career technicals. Interviews with BC are the stuff of legend. Will scream “Wet” after knocking in a 3 ball. Will not scream anything after misfiring on the previous 5. Typically does not get calls he is looking for because of acrimonious relationship with officials. Relationship with teammates needs repairing after threatening to retire last season. Blog founder who refuses to blog. Will probably spend most of time in Dallas with John O’Rourke instead of playing in the games.

Many thanks to Deuce for providing his input.

Sabin