PCTI III Injury Report

To: PCTI Players and Media

From: PCTI League Office

Subject: PCTI III Injury Report (Week of 3/19/2012)

OUT

Hardin, Chase: Lung disease

*note - The most memorable moment of Chase's brief stint in PCTI was of him smoking a heater to and from games. It's likely he's still catching his breath from last year's game seven.

Hite, Michael: Strained hamstring

*note - Hite has yet to recover from pulling a muscle while helping his girlfriend transport antique furniture purchased in Lexington during PCTI II. Acquiring the furniture is the alleged reason he was late for Sunday's games (seriously.) Failure to recover likely connected to Daniel Krow stealing his muscle roller.

Huff, Dawson: Compound fracture of fibula and tibia

*note - The only listed injury on the injury report confirmed to exist by actual physicians. Huff suffered perhaps the most severe trauma one can experience participating in athletics that does not involve the head or neck. Yet Daniel Krow has referred to it as a knee injury (both inaccurate and vague) since its occurrence. Despite suffering an injury that only can be classified as severe, Huff appeared at PCTI II even though he was not medically cleared to participate. Krow is efforting to distance Huff from PCTI currently because of his unwillingness to respond to emails. It should be noted that Krow removed Huff from the email chain several months ago.

QUESTIONABLE

Stephen, Joshua: Aviophobia

*note - Psychologists and league physicians will put Stephen through further tests in the days to come to determine the severity of his phobia of flying. Initially it is believed to be severe. How else could someone not have booked a flight for PCTI III two weeks before the first game?

Eskildsen, Brian: To be determined

*note -Eskildsen has a relatively clean bill of health, yet has the track record to land on the injury report. The training staff can not agree on the most likely injury producing scenario, but are united in the belief that it will happen. Eskildsen's lack of durability is particularly ironic considering, as PCTI's foremost cheap-shot artist, ceteris Paribus he should be the least likely to get a ding.

PROBABLE

Van Horne, Ian: Leather allergy

*note - Showing his dedication to TLFK and his willingness to do whatever it takes to get on the floor in PCTI III, Bruiser has not touched a basketball since PCTI II.

Thompson, Joseph, PhD: Flu Like Symptoms

*note - Thompson is already taking precautions to keep himself in quarantine when not on the floor with his team. Don't expect to see much of him between games or on Sunday. Thompson gets high marks from the training staff for knowing his body so well that he concocted this plan months ago.

Sabin, Jeffrey: Inflamed prostrate

*note - As the elder statesman of PCTI, this is not a surprise. Besides Sabin, every participant in PCTI should be receptive to discussing men's health and conscious of the health risks they too will face...around PCTI XXVII.

Spotlight: Possible burned retina

*note - Accidentally looked in the mirror.

Murray, Wesley: Gout

*note - Murray reportedly has off the charts uric acid levels that physicians are attributing to a 24 month red meat bender. Murray will consult with Antonie van Leeuwenhoek in the coming days to determine if his mass consumption of white meat (from Wes-Fil-A) may actually have saved his life.

Hopkins, Anthony: Undisclosed Personal Issues

*note - Several of Hopkins' teammates and even a few of his competitors have noticed erratic mood swings and fits of rage in Hopkins over the last few weeks. Physicians are especially concerned considering every other participant whose surname begins with H is listed as out. [The Spotlight clearly no longer has a last name]

Krow, Daniel: Potential Sun Poisoning

*note - Despite being available and willing to talk PCTI around the clock, few if anyone have ever questioned Krow's commitment to training. It should be noted, others have raised similar questions about his family and work lives. In a a possible attempt to appease his wife or possibly as a blatant affront to any expectations of physical training, Krow will spend the week before PCTI at an undisclosed beach in Mexico. The hiring of a still photographer coupled with the opinion held by many that Krow has an internal certainty that nothing he does in the final lead up could negatively effect him come PCTI (because of how much time he spends talking about it and degrading himself,) too much time in the sun is a very real and serious (Sedale) threat(t).

Orr, Michael: Elevated insulin levels

*note - Throughout the off-season, Orr was the only participant to drink up the Kool-Aid served by embattled LFTK captain Jeff Sabin. Put plainly, that's a lot of sugar.

McKinney, Bryan: Vocal cord fatigue

*note - A chronic problem for McKinney that he has played through for years. Doctors are encouraged by his track record of remarkable discipline and judiciousness when choosing to use his voice in PCTI I and PCTI II.

Pitto, Joshua: N/A

*note - Pitto's checkered employment history and unwillingness to have or spend money has delayed his examination by the league training staff. Pitto is still working with the league office to procure the proper health insurance documentation or monies for a complete physical. If he does not take a physical, he will be ineligible for PCTI III. Pitto has already stated that he is hopeful that will not happen but if it does, he plans to blame the referees.

Carney, Brent: Missing right hand

*note - While doctors were initially shocked by the severity of the injury, they quickly realized it is of little importance athletically.

Beasley, Michael: Awaiting shoulder amputation

*note - Nobody but Beasley and Daniel Krow actually know the details surrounding Beasley's shoulder injury. Krow has stated several times that it stopped or limited Beasley from playing basketball for the past few years, this despite the fact that Beasley has played basketball without any noticeable limitations with several PCTI members during that time.

Wilson, Benjamin: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Wilson convinced doctors that his condition is of little concern after pointing out how much rest he gets on defense every year.