PCTI Summer Olympics, Part I

The Summer Olympics are approaching this weekend and I can’t help but get a sense of nostalgia for all of the greatness that we experience watching the world’s greatest athletes compete against one another for immortality. I think of Carl Lewis and his 4 gold medal performance in 1984 as well as Michael Johnson’s never-before-seen double-double when he won gold in both the 200 meter and 400 meter sprints. And who can forget the 1992 Dream Team teaching the world how to play basketball? More recently, you can’t help but feel a sense of pride and wonderment when thinking about Michael Phelps’ 8 gold medals in 2008, Usain Bolt’s record-smashing 100 meter performance, and “Nasty” Nastia Liukin’s gold medal gymnastic achievement (what up, Plano!) With that being said, the thought occurred to me “How would PCTI stack up against each other in Olympic events?” Without further ado, here is Part 1 of my gold, silver, and bronze medal PCTI favorites for selected Olympic events.

1)      Swimming: This event requires a unique physique in order to be able to cut through water like a knife and reduce even the slightest quantity of friction. Event also requires stamina, lung capacity, and a certain amount of slipperyness.

Gold: Smo. Dude is long, slipstreamed, and has incredibly long limbs to attack the water.

Silver: BC. Only sport where bony, awkward leftyness is not an impediment to high achievement.

Bronze: McKinney. Strong competitor with tremendous lung capacity. Stamina and ability to tolerate pain make him a tough swimmer to beat.

Did not qualify for event: Ben. Hairy, potato-frame negate this swimmer’s aquadynamics, making him cumbersome in the water.

2)      Synchronized Swimming: This event requires a unique ability to “mind-meld” with his partner, knowing the other’s thoughts before they happen. It also requires an elevated sense of the moment, timing, and above all, flamboyance.

Gold: Spotlight-Beasley. Tandem showed in PCTI 3 that it is not the amount of time in a relationship that counts, but the amount of energy that the relationship can generate.

Silver: Ben-Hops. Duo has shown a unique ability to commiserate with each other through extended shooting slumps. Each celebrates wildly for the other’s success, while feeling intense, personal pain when the other fails.

Bronze: DK-BC. Podcast brothers show that awkward, disconnected high-fives on the court belie a tremendous respect and admiration for one another.

Did not qualify: BC-Eskildsen. Although playing nice publicly to appease the PCTI mob, these two competitors dislike the other’s talents and would only serve to create negative chemistry in the event.

3)      Fencing: this event requires precision, skill, patience, and more than anything else, a desire to study an opponent’s weakness. This cerebral attention to detail allows the fencer to outperform his opponent, regardless of physical talent.

Gold: Esk. Player’s scouting report heading into PCTI 3 showed that he knew the opponent better than the opponent knew himself.

Silver: DK. Obsessive-compulsive competitor cares more about the event than others which allows him to excel.

Bronze: Spotlight. Sneaky quick fencer will attack from the front, side, and behind creating confusion and bewilderment to opponent.

Did not qualify: Bruiser. Event requires patience and even-keel temper. Bruise is not known for having developed these qualities yet.

4)      Weightlifting: This event requires explosive strength, a desire to destroy that which is in front of you, and the unique ability to bring the inner-Hulk when needed. Also requires a certain amount of control loss, which might contribute to the result.

Gold: Bruise. Like you even needed to ask.

Silver: Donley. With a name like Cockstrong, it would be interesting to see how much this player could foul lift.

Bronze: Abe. Aloofness might knock him down from time to time, but lifter certainly has the strength to compete at a high level.

Did not qualify: BC and Spotlight (tie). BC’s leg strength and Spotlight’s arm strength have come under fire recently and would spell the end for them in this event.

5)      100 meter dash: Event requires quickness, reaction time, straight-line speed, and intense competitiveness. Event also requires a desire to be known as the world’s fastest human.

Gold: Beas. Dude is quick, fast, competitive, and gives a crap.

Silver: Abe. All-around athlete is faster than given credit for, and shows it at opportune moments.

Bronze: Ben. Once player got rolling, would become like a Juggernaut. Hair would not be as much of an impediment as it is in the water.

Did not qualify: Hops. Not a good sign when you are measured in minutes instead of seconds for this event.

6)      High Jump: This event requires athleticism, technique, and wiry strong frame. Also requires some degree of coordination and ability to get up off one foot.

Gold: Abe. Competitor has the speed, explosion, and hops necessary to excel in this event.   

Silver: Smo: Wiry, slippery, streamlined approach makes him a threat on land and on sea.

Bronze: Sabin: Sneaky, one-legged jumper has the technique, but age has taken a toll.

Did not qualify: Wes. Portly frame, inability to limit self to one serving, and preference for two-legged approach limit this competitor’s effectiveness.

Sabin