How can you not love the Olympics? It’s only been a few days, but we have already seen the best part of the human spirit in the form of stunning upsets, dramatic defeats, and memorable moments. King Kong Phelps taught us that talent alone can be beaten by preparation, even if that talent is extraordinary. Jordyn Wieber showed us the agony of unfulfilled expectations, and then showed us the triumph and ascendency of redemption just a few days later. In addition, we have been reminded how difficult and grueling the activities of rowing, water polo, and distance swimming can be to the human body. And lastly, we receive a continuous reminder that Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites are not our friends as Hope Solo and the outcast Greek Olympian shoot their mouths off and catch hell for it. This is part 2 of the Olympic post that measures PCTI performance in authentic Olympic events.
7) Equestrian. Strange event indeed. Typically the rider gets all of the accolades when the horse is the athlete doing all the work. The event itself requires a certain level of showmanship, unabashed extravagance, the desire to perform for rich white people, and most importantly, the ability to be thin and slender. After all, the horse can’t jump if the rider is, shall we say, big-boned. It also requires that the rider dress in knee-high boots, spandex pants, a smoking jacket, and a soldier’s helmet, aka Donley’s daily work attire.
Gold: Spotlight. Player is a showman and a gentleman. Ability to celebrate at timeouts is legendary. The fact that he is 125 pounds helps horse tremendously in his struggle against gravity.
Silver: Esk. There is zero question that he would find the most efficient route to navigate the course, as well as coaching his horse how to run and jump. Could calves fit into spandex pants?
Bronze: Beas. Player is light, quick, and has hops, molding his horse in his own image. Chemistry is too good for rider not to succeed.
Did not qualify: Bruiser. Horse would buckle under 235 pounds and immediately throw rider off, disqualifying him from medal contention. Bruise would then pull a “Conan” and punch the horse in the face.
8) Rhythmic Gymnastics. This event is generally performed by gymnasts who are not necessarily less athletic than other gymnasts, but who have a certain connection with the performing arts, namely dance and flair. Creativity and flamboyance are a must. Playing to the camera and getting the crowd involved are the only way to win this event. A nice smile goes a long way.
Gold: JT. Ability to find the camera, desire to hone his craft, and Ric Flair-showmanship make this player a natural for gold in this event.
Silver: Smo. Desire to entertain the crowd with quick one-liners and drunken hilarity would make this athlete a medal contender and crowd favorite.
Bronze: Ben. The imagery of big, hairy Ben Wilson in a leotard and headband while twirling ribbons in the air is more than I can bear. Player would relish the moment and own it.
Did not qualify: McKinney. Inability to show enthusiastic smile would adversely impact this athlete’s chances of connecting with crowd and judges.
9) Pole Vault. This event requires straight-line speed, power, coordination, balance, and timing. In other words, something nobody in PCTI has. It also requires a certain level of detachment that allows player to feel no fear and taste no defeat.
Gold: Abe. Ability to find the hole in hoops and other areas of his life probably means that he would be successful in finding the plant point for the vault.
Silver: McKinney. Cross Fit provides this player with right blend of power, agility, balance, and explosive athleticism that gives him a chance to medal.
Bronze: JT. Nice blend of quickness, coordination, and balance make this athlete a medal contender in the event.
Did not qualify: Ben. “Top speed” issues and disadvantage of lifting 230 pounds 16 feet into the air make it difficult for this athlete to qualify. Plus, he’s probably tired from dominating the Rhythmic gymnastics competition.
10) 1500 meter run. This event requires the ability to withstand pain for 4 minutes as the competitor tells his body to go on as his heart, lungs, and legs scream in agony. As Bilas would say, this event requires a constant motor. This athlete must have mastered the concept of mind over matter.
Gold: Beas. This athlete is probably getting tired from winning so many of these events.
Silver: JT. Could compete for the gold if acting classes didn’t command so much time.
Bronze: Sabin. By default. I can’t think of anyone else who would enter this event.
Did not qualify: Wes and Hops (tie). Both of these athletes would call timeout in the middle of the race. Unfortunately, the clock would continue to run and contribute to their below-average times.
11) Shot Put. This event requires raw physical strength, long arms, and powerful coordination. Athlete should also be capable of standard lifts such as bench press, deadlifts, and power cleans. Also preferential to be mildly emotionally unbalanced, contributing rage and adrenaline to the throw.
Gold: Bruise. The definition of PCTI power and mild emotional instability.
Silver: Abe. Dude has the physicality to compete for gold. Not sure if athlete would pay attention to time and location of event, hurting his chances for success.
Bronze: DK and Donley (tie). DK’s powerful hip flexibility and core strength would be a huge plus for him in this event. Donley would hate it if Krow outperformed him in anything and would rise to the challenge. I could also see these two sabotaging each other before the event by hiding the other one’s coconut juice, or whatever supplement du jour these two might be on.
Did not qualify: Spotlight. 16 pound ball would present unique challenges for this lithe and slender competitor.
12) Synchronized Diving. This event requires that the divers control their form in the air and that they combine muscular strength with elite range of motion. It also requires that the diver have great capacity for visualization and technique, as well as the ability to communicate with, trust, and accept his partner. It also helps if the partners are the same size and bodily composition.
Gold: Hops and Spotlight. Ability to hit each other on backdoor layups might not help in diving, but the feel that this pair has for each other is uncanny and would produce success. Spotlight’s demure frame would produce the smallest of splashes.
Silver: Smo and BC. Same body frame? Check. Ability to enter water with minimum of splash? Check. Same comedic temperament? Check. Would be the gold medal favorite if not for Smo’s penchant for fouling anybody who comes close to him, including teammates and judges.
Bronze: Donley and Ben. Does Ben like it when Donley fouls him? No. Does Donley foul him even more because of it? Yes. Do they openly criticize each other’s hoops game? Of course. And yet, I get the distinct impression that these two will end up best buddies, making them a strong contender to medal.
Did not qualify: McKinney and Bruise. McKinney’s inability to audibly communicate with partner and Bruise’s desire to make cannonball-sized splashes would ensure a last place finish for this team.
Sabin
