Shots Fired as PCTI draft approaches
Plano Gazette –
October 19
8 days. That’s right, just 192 short hours separate PCTI participants
from finding a new home as the fourth annual PCTI draft approaches next weekend
in California. Emotions are running high and tempers have begun to flare as
participants jockey for draft position and await their new teams and captains. But
PCTI’s once rock-solid brotherhood has begun to show some of the weaknesses and
chippiness that exist in any familial relationship. Some participants in next
weekend’s draft have even gone so far as to fire shots at prospective captains
and teammates. In one example, PCTI II MVP Josh Stephen drew a line in the sand
by unambiguously stating “I will not play for Joe. He has been riding my
coattails for far too long and it is time that he detaches himself from my
championship glory. I felt like he robbed me of a chance last year to go
back-to-back on MVPs and I cannot tolerate that type of insubordination. In
more simple terms for those who don’t understand my heightened oratory skills…..f*ck
that guy.” Several calls to captain Thompson for a response went unanswered. It
is assumed that this disdain for one another will completely shake up the
current draft board and could send virtually any player to either team.
Stephen is not the only player firing shots. In other parts
of the country, a newly developed hatred between a man named Spotlight
(identity and name unknown) and the Bruiser began to rear its ugly head this
week. Undoubtedly sick of the Spotlight’s humblebrags, backcut praise, and
scoreboard performances on recent blog entries, Bruise launched an offensive by
declaring “I’m sick of the Flashlight.” This blow echoed with sharp irritation
to the Spotlight who has come to define himself with the highly sought-after
nickname. The smarting insult aroused in the Spotlight great anger and
initiated in him a desire to show the Bruiser who owns the better nickname in
PCTI. Thus, Spot responded with perhaps one of the all-time profound and disdainful utterances in PCTI's history....“Backatcha.”
Since the infamous leapfrog event between these two in PCTI III (seriously, no foul on that play?) created a
chasm in their relationship, it can further be assumed that Bruise felt some
disappointment in a 7th place showing in the recent PCTI nickname
evaluations while Spotlight brought home the championship. Further widening the
divisive gap between these two was Bruise’s unnecessary dig “Lookit, King Kong
doesn’t associate with common spider monkeys, and I’ll just leave it at that.” PCTI
analysts were left confused by this statement.
But that’s not all. The PCTI participant known as the Brat
jumped into the fray this offseason by launching a 3-month long demonization of
one of the more popular players in league history, the Beas. The Brat
needlessly and violently attacked Beasley for such petty things as being
popular, good-looking, and of all things, being good at basketball. Bambi
recklessly mused “Beas has received a lot of credit for being talented on the
court and for being something of a ladyslayer. And for what? Just because he
scored 21 points in Game 4 last year when his team was already out of it? Does
anybody realize that I hung 26-14 and 26-10 in PCTI I in back-to-back games?
Where’s my credit? Is anybody saying that BC is so good at basketball or that
BC is so good with ladies? No, and that’s where guys in PCTI just don’t get it.
Nobody understands how good I am at basketball or how awesome my life is. I
just wish PCTI would recognize me the way it does Beas because I am better than
him at just about everything.” It was unconfirmed whether this rant was induced
by alcohol or just an oversized ego. When asked for rebuttal, Beasley took the
high road and coolly responded “I liked Anchorman. It was a good movie.
Burgundy makes me laugh.” No word yet whether these two plan to reconcile prior
to the draft. BC was last seen in a hoops gym working on putting his head down
and going left as he flails to the basket.
Not to be outdone, the already stoked rivalry between Ben
Wilson and Cockstrong Donley continues to add fuel to the bonfire with each
passing day. The jabs these two have taken at one another in the offseason have
become something of legend, but the latest outburst included this gem from
Wilson, “There has never been a single possession in the history of PCTI that
Donley has not fouled me. Dude takes to fouling like a fish to water. There’s a
lot of things I hate about that guy, but probably at the top of the list is that
he sounds like me on the podcast. I hope he gets sick again at PCTI IV.” When
told of the most recent Wilson insult, Donley responded with “Typical Wilson.
The guy doesn’t want to take accountability for the fact that I forced him into
28% shooting in PCTI III and replaced him on the all-tourney team. Here’s the
truth…I work out every day, play basketball against 6’10” corn-fed Wisconsin
natives, and both my wife and the mirror love me. Can Wilson say any of those
things? Hell no. I look forward to fouling the sh*t out of that guy in
Scottsdale. Please don’t put us on the same teams, captains.” Dan Krow, league
commissioner, mentioned that he may need to intervene between the two in order
to “open the lines of communication.”
Krow has also found himself in an imbroglio since PCTI III with
another of PCTI’s participants, the embattled Wes Murray. One major point of
contention between these two is their divergent views on physical health. It is
well known that DK is extremely particular about what goes into his body (hold
bread) while Murray has never seen a meal that he couldn’t defeat. The
commissioner aggressively confronted Murray on a recent podcast by directly
announcing “Look man, you’re a cheeseburger away from 240 pounds. It would be
one thing if you were 6’8”, but at 5”9”, your frame can’t handle it. I don’t
want you to end up like Eddy Curry where you just eat yourself out of the
league. Use some restraint, man.” Undeterred, Murray unabashedly retorted “Go
drink some more coconut water, Fruit Man!” Infuriated, it is said that Dan is contemplating
how to deal with this “growing problem” and consulting PCTI by-laws on how to
eject a player. from the competition. Although PCTI’s Commander-in-Chief has received light backlash
for exercising Goodellish-type power in the past, most believe that Murray’s
future participation may be in jeopardy. Fruit ended the conversation by saying
“Cross me once, shame on me. Cross me twice, I’ll kick your ass out of the league”
and abruptly hung up the phone to end the interview. In a related story, Murray
recently set the world record for number of waffle fries consumed at a local
Chik-Fil-A. Krow did not send him a congratulations text.
Where does this leave PCTI’s once-famous brotherhood and chemistry
as next weekend’s draft looms? Some analysts believe that it is in tatters,
while others believe that it can be restored. Perhaps the answer to PCTI’s
chemistry woes was best summed up by ½ of PCTI’s resident comedian partnership,
Micheal Orr, who said “I need to get my *ss away from Dawson Huff. I hate that
guy.”
Generic Journalist
