PCTI IV looms, players agitated

Shots Fired as PCTI draft approaches

Plano Gazette – October 19

8 days. That’s right, just 192 short hours separate PCTI participants from finding a new home as the fourth annual PCTI draft approaches next weekend in California. Emotions are running high and tempers have begun to flare as participants jockey for draft position and await their new teams and captains. But PCTI’s once rock-solid brotherhood has begun to show some of the weaknesses and chippiness that exist in any familial relationship. Some participants in next weekend’s draft have even gone so far as to fire shots at prospective captains and teammates. In one example, PCTI II MVP Josh Stephen drew a line in the sand by unambiguously stating “I will not play for Joe. He has been riding my coattails for far too long and it is time that he detaches himself from my championship glory. I felt like he robbed me of a chance last year to go back-to-back on MVPs and I cannot tolerate that type of insubordination. In more simple terms for those who don’t understand my heightened oratory skills…..f*ck that guy.” Several calls to captain Thompson for a response went unanswered. It is assumed that this disdain for one another will completely shake up the current draft board and could send virtually any player to either team.

Stephen is not the only player firing shots. In other parts of the country, a newly developed hatred between a man named Spotlight (identity and name unknown) and the Bruiser began to rear its ugly head this week. Undoubtedly sick of the Spotlight’s humblebrags, backcut praise, and scoreboard performances on recent blog entries, Bruise launched an offensive by declaring “I’m sick of the Flashlight.” This blow echoed with sharp irritation to the Spotlight who has come to define himself with the highly sought-after nickname. The smarting insult aroused in the Spotlight great anger and initiated in him a desire to show the Bruiser who owns the better nickname in PCTI. Thus, Spot responded with perhaps one of the all-time profound and disdainful utterances in PCTI's history....“Backatcha.” Since the infamous leapfrog event between these two in PCTI III (seriously, no foul on that play?) created a chasm in their relationship, it can further be assumed that Bruise felt some disappointment in a 7^th place showing in the recent PCTI nickname evaluations while Spotlight brought home the championship. Further widening the divisive gap between these two was Bruise’s unnecessary dig “Lookit, King Kong doesn’t associate with common spider monkeys, and I’ll just leave it at that.” PCTI analysts were left confused by this statement.

But that’s not all. The PCTI participant known as the Brat jumped into the fray this offseason by launching a 3-month long demonization of one of the more popular players in league history, the Beas. The Brat needlessly and violently attacked Beasley for such petty things as being popular, good-looking, and of all things, being good at basketball. Bambi recklessly mused “Beas has received a lot of credit for being talented on the court and for being something of a ladyslayer. And for what? Just because he scored 21 points in Game 4 last year when his team was already out of it? Does anybody realize that I hung 26-14 and 26-10 in PCTI I in back-to-back games? Where’s my credit? Is anybody saying that BC is so good at basketball or that BC is so good with ladies? No, and that’s where guys in PCTI just don’t get it. Nobody understands how good I am at basketball or how awesome my life is. I just wish PCTI would recognize me the way it does Beas because I am better than him at just about everything.” It was unconfirmed whether this rant was induced by alcohol or just an oversized ego. When asked for rebuttal, Beasley took the high road and coolly responded “I liked Anchorman. It was a good movie. Burgundy makes me laugh.” No word yet whether these two plan to reconcile prior to the draft. BC was last seen in a hoops gym working on putting his head down and going left as he flails to the basket.

Not to be outdone, the already stoked rivalry between Ben Wilson and Cockstrong Donley continues to add fuel to the bonfire with each passing day. The jabs these two have taken at one another in the offseason have become something of legend, but the latest outburst included this gem from Wilson, “There has never been a single possession in the history of PCTI that Donley has not fouled me. Dude takes to fouling like a fish to water. There’s a lot of things I hate about that guy, but probably at the top of the list is that he sounds like me on the podcast. I hope he gets sick again at PCTI IV.” When told of the most recent Wilson insult, Donley responded with “Typical Wilson. The guy doesn’t want to take accountability for the fact that I forced him into 28% shooting in PCTI III and replaced him on the all-tourney team. Here’s the truth…I work out every day, play basketball against 6’10” corn-fed Wisconsin natives, and both my wife and the mirror love me. Can Wilson say any of those things? Hell no. I look forward to fouling the sh*t out of that guy in Scottsdale. Please don’t put us on the same teams, captains.” Dan Krow, league commissioner, mentioned that he may need to intervene between the two in order to “open the lines of communication.”

Krow has also found himself in an imbroglio since PCTI III with another of PCTI’s participants, the embattled Wes Murray. One major point of contention between these two is their divergent views on physical health. It is well known that DK is extremely particular about what goes into his body (hold bread) while Murray has never seen a meal that he couldn’t defeat. The commissioner aggressively confronted Murray on a recent podcast by directly announcing “Look man, you’re a cheeseburger away from 240 pounds. It would be one thing if you were 6’8”, but at 5”9”, your frame can’t handle it. I don’t want you to end up like Eddy Curry where you just eat yourself out of the league. Use some restraint, man.” Undeterred, Murray unabashedly retorted “Go drink some more coconut water, Fruit Man!” Infuriated, it is said that Dan is contemplating how to deal with this “growing problem” and consulting PCTI by-laws on how to eject a player. from the competition. Although PCTI’s Commander-in-Chief has received light backlash for exercising Goodellish-type power in the past, most believe that Murray’s future participation may be in jeopardy. Fruit ended the conversation by saying “Cross me once, shame on me. Cross me twice, I’ll kick your ass out of the league” and abruptly hung up the phone to end the interview. In a related story, Murray recently set the world record for number of waffle fries consumed at a local Chik-Fil-A. Krow did not send him a congratulations text.

Where does this leave PCTI’s once-famous brotherhood and chemistry as next weekend’s draft looms? Some analysts believe that it is in tatters, while others believe that it can be restored. Perhaps the answer to PCTI’s chemistry woes was best summed up by ½ of PCTI’s resident comedian partnership, Micheal Orr, who said “I need to get my *ss away from Dawson Huff. I hate that guy.”

 

Generic Journalist